- Rutabaga. If Satan ever runs out of sulfur to keep Hell smelling bad, boiling some rutabagas would be a great substitute.
- Coconut. Not really crunchy, not really soft, not really sweet, not really tasteless. Life is too short for anything so indefinite. Besides, I don't want to carry dental floss in my pocket at all times.
- Rhubarb. Strawberries can stand alone in pies, and raw rhubarb looks like the plants that my Scoutmaster taught me to avoid.
- Liver (any animal). Didn't we leave that stuff behind when we moved out of the caves?
- Sweetbread, kidney, tripe, chitlins, etc. See liver.
- Cucumber. 98% water and 2% something you wouldn't eat if it were dried.
- Soft-shell crab, crayfish, etc. Think about it: do you really want to eat a bottom feeder? Ok, I'll make an exception for a lobster tail, but the whole animal is too messy to deal with.
- Catfish. An uncle of mine used to own a catfish farm. Hang around a catfish farm long enough, and you'll never eat catfish again.
- Squash and pumpkin. Keep them confined to the 18th century when people had no other vegetables to eat in winter and spring. Exception granted to zucchini.
- Licorice or anything flavored with anise. I didn't like it even before I read the Wikipedia article on the essential oil.
- Beets. Why not just get some dirt from the garden, mix it with a little sugar, toss in some Red Dye #2, and form into a sphere?
- Oysters, mussels, clams, escargot. Gritty, slimy, or both. Double up on shrimp and scallops, instead.
- Caviar and roe. Just say no. Can't afford them, anyway.
If only a diet without these items would get me back to a 34-inch waistline!
