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Monday, June 23, 2014

I'm no omnivore

Do you have a list of foods that you won't eat? I don't mean monkey brains — rather, the items that you find on the shelves of every grocery store. Here's my list.
  • Rutabaga. If Satan ever runs out of sulfur to keep Hell smelling bad, boiling some rutabagas would be a great substitute.
  • Coconut. Not really crunchy, not really soft, not really sweet, not really tasteless. Life is too short for anything so indefinite. Besides, I don't want to carry dental floss in my pocket at all times.
  • Rhubarb. Strawberries can stand alone in pies, and raw rhubarb looks like the plants that my Scoutmaster taught me to avoid.
  • Liver (any animal). Didn't we leave that stuff behind when we moved out of the caves?
  • Sweetbread, kidney, tripe, chitlins, etc. See liver.
  • Cucumber. 98% water and 2% something you wouldn't eat if it were dried.
  • Soft-shell crab, crayfish, etc. Think about it: do you really want to eat a bottom feeder? Ok, I'll make an exception for a lobster tail, but the whole animal is too messy to deal with.
  • Catfish. An uncle of mine used to own a catfish farm. Hang around a catfish farm long enough, and you'll never eat catfish again.
  • Squash and pumpkin. Keep them confined to the 18th century when people had no other vegetables to eat in winter and spring. Exception granted to zucchini.
  • Licorice or anything flavored with anise. I didn't like it even before I read the Wikipedia article on the essential oil.
  • Beets. Why not just get some dirt from the garden, mix it with a little sugar, toss in some Red Dye #2, and form into a sphere?
  • Oysters, mussels, clams, escargot. Gritty, slimy, or both. Double up on shrimp and scallops, instead.
  • Caviar and roe. Just say no. Can't afford them, anyway.
And I'm not fond of chocolate, either.

If only a diet without these items would get me back to a 34-inch waistline!